how have i been.. well the question remains questionable. i've been an up and down roller coaster with millions of emotions going up and down. it's crazy. i wish i was constantly happy but that would be boring wouldn't it. through it all, i am very happy. it's just those downs that make a memorable scar and it's driving me insane.  i went through a week where i was so depressed and down and started to cry and cy one night for no reason at all. well not NO REASON but for every reason. i was stressed out. about school-work-bf-family. just everything. and i had no one to run to. why? because i did this to myself. i close off my friendships because im so damn paranoid about getting back stabbed.  why? cause i always do get backstabbed. bf, i dont even know when to trust him. or if i really do trust him. inside im always telling myself what i want to beleive. but i always have doubts. who am i kidding. how does he love me when he doesn't even know how to fully love his daughter right now. his own flesh, his own blood. how could i ever have his heart. i won't.. anytime soon. and i don't know whether i could wait any longer. what's the rush.. i hate waiting. i hate wondering if what im waiting for is worth it. because most of the times, i make stupid mistakes that i feel so BLIND and DUMB afterwards. love surely is blind. school?? man i can't have enough confidence in myself that i will get accepted to this school. the more people i talk to, the more discouraged i get. with everything else happening in my life, it's so hard to focus. it would be so much easier to focus on just school if other things in my life were going well, but of course god doesn't make it that easy. not for me.. work.. extremely slow and im working off of commision. how do i hang on to that job. i love working there because i make my hours but damn its' hard not getting paid as much as i used to. i have bills to pay and credit cards are biting me up the ass. my family is always pressuring me to do something. always giving me a hard time about how come i don't have much money even though i work all the time. well shit, i have bad habbits. i have gambling problems. so do they. i have shopping addictions. fuk. im a fukin girl. a girl has needs. lots of them. my bf isn't the one spoiling me this time around. i didn't get lucky again. everything that used to come easy, doesn't anymore. that's life right. how boring would it be if it came so easily. it makes it harder that im not 21. so i can just go out to the bar and grab a drink. i need a drink. one that'll fuck me up. the only good things in life is i know i have support from my mom and brother. they're the only ones that are true to me right now.